The space between love and fear is so small that it is easily overlooked. I mean how often do we sit in fear, broken, depressed or overwhelmed not realising that if we just look over our shoulder that love is there, waiting patiently, just sitting, wondering when we will see its endless support. I know this may be hard for some of you to accept, especially if you feel love has left you, however I too can relate to that feeling.
For a long time after my divorce, I started to think that maybe the reason I was not settled or could not feel connected to another person, was because maybe I was different, maybe I was broken or something was not right with me. I decided I needed to change my view, my perception of love and decided that marriage was just a piece of paper that did not mean anything. I convinced myself I did not want it again or believed in it. It was an outdated notion that made people feel stuck and lifeless, is what I told myself. Funny enough I often watched other married couples in judgement thinking how boring and disconnected they were and miserable, I convinced myself, that is what marriage was in my society. I decided to focus on Self Love and participated in many activities that made me feel good and distracted me from what was deep within, the need to be loved by another.
I experienced many firsts and explored things that were amazing, there was a nice freedom about being alone that I slowly got used to and started to find that I often chose solitude in lieu of company. Slowly withdrawing and feeling disconnected from others it further fueled my intention to not want or need anyone, making me believe that I was happy alone… but really I was just convince myself as I was scared that may be I would never find anyone that I felt at home with.
There were was one or two couples in my life, that stirred something within me. No matter how I tried to see the negativity of their relationship, I also saw equally a positive and there was something that I envied about the connection they had… To find a word to describe this is difficult, but I think it is a mutual respect and that they equally complimented each other. Both of them had equal power and energy in the relationship that was delicately balanced by the respect they had for each others roles in the relationship.
Coming to Nepal in March opened my eyes to so many things, that it is difficult to put into words, how much this country has impacted me and allowed me to see my self. IN the past 6 months, I have realised how much I value family, how much I miss and want that connected feeling of belonging to my tribe. I realised, how broken I was from my divorce and how much I’d suffered from the pain and loss of my expectations of what I’d hoped for my family… I’d been wrestling with guilt and self love for a long time. Strange thing is, the only reason I was able to realise this, was through the love of another. It seems the fastest way to Self Love is to allow another to Love you, broken, warts and all… To accept that another can love you like that, takes self love to a new level… It made me see that I was loveable. It has taken so much courage to allow myself to be loved by another and love back that I can see now, that the line, between fear and love is almost invisible…they are so close.
The culture here is so ingrained in the way of life that people here, communicate their feelings, they are open, they share, they respect each other in a way, I have not often witnessed. It is difficult to explain, its something that has to be experienced. People here understand reverence. Maybe its language, as the English language is so complex we have so many words, we can talk around everything and in doing so, we can avoid feeling. We have become experts at it… Maybe that is why so much Mental illness exists in our culture? Too much language not enough feeling?
I can openly admit now, that I really did want to feel like I belonged to someone, to create a life with someone, that I did desire to walk this life journey with a witness and also witness their journey with love and support. A life not shared is only half, it is not whole. How can it be? SO much of life is designed to share with another, to go against this is almost unnatural. Now I can see I was denying half of myself by not having a mirror or being brave enough to look in the mirror. I have found my mirror.
Timing is strange, the universe has no time, time is not real, a man made illusion, so I guess that is why if we think in terms of time, then perhaps we get caught up in logic and practical ideas.
All I can say is that somewhere within my being I was guided to come to Nepal, 2 years ago, it was a force I cannot describe and it came suddenly from no where and I found myself here, trekking in the Himalayas. This is when I met him, my mirror. At the time I knew he was special, something within me woke up and took notice and when I left Nepal 2 weeks later I missed him, however whilst I was there we only spent 5 days together and barely spoke. He was so young and I was still grieving many things. I could not understand the feelings I was feeling, they were so foreign to me at the time. It did not make sense, I did not even know him. It was not time……
Fast forward to 2015, my son decided out of the blue to go to Nepal to go trekking, so I said to him I’d link him with my friend in Nepal. One week out from my son flying, I decided on a whim to follow. At this time, my intention was to go and heal after 6 years of an unsettling emotional roller coaster ride post divorce. So we both came to Nepal and met up with my friend in Pokhara. At this time there were so many synchronicities aligning for me, that looking back I can see now that once again there were other forces at play.
As soon as I saw him, that feeling came back so strong, I almost cried when I saw him.. Within a few days my son went trekking with him and I decided to focus on healing activities. I got sick, so sick that I ended up doing nothing, just some meditation, yoga and decided to immerse myself in the Nepali culture. While they were away trekking I missed him so much, I could not understand the feeling, it was so strange, as I still did not really know him… although something in me felt like I knew him better than anyone… weird.
The next 4 weeks were spent doing various activities, but the most memorable moments were sharing with him, his family, his village, the music and many conversations that were challenging due to our language barriers.
My son was returning home to Australia and so we decided that we wanted to help our friend come to Australia so we helped him get a passport and promised him that we would help him. For me at this time I was thinking maybe that was my purpose here… Then the earthquake happened. The earth moved under our feet…hahaha. For real.
We got so busy doing the aid work and at this time we were all focused on helping people in villages and making a difference. During this time we spent nearly everyday together and experienced so many things and slowly we became close. At this time I consciously made the decision to open my heart, not judge, not question, and to have no expectations ( how I could I expect anything from a young Nepali man?? So many cultural differences there was no framework here) and to face my fears, through love… I decided that if I did not open my heart prepared to have it broken then I could never experience love again. It was the perfect way for me to deal with my fears around expectations. Love is a whole thing, you can not have it half, you can not decide to just dip your toe in, you have to either get all in, or you are living in fear and that is not love. So for the first time in my life I did not think about practical things, responsibilities, or being rejected, I just jumped into the deep end of the pool, knowing I can swim.
This man has showed me more courage, more love and emotional support just by showing up and being himself than I have ever experienced from a man. I am excited and also a little scared of course for the future, but I am certain that we are meant to be sharing and witnessing each others journeys. It is not that we do not have our differences, of course culturally there are many, however the willingness in which he embraces and wants to learn about me and me about him, I am assured that together we can create a solid partnership. A partnership that is forever evolving, changing and accepting.
So it seems my love affair with Nepal has become more than just with a country, but with the whole package. It will be a challenging road we take, I am sure, as we have many hurdles to jump and equally as many opportunities to grow. I know it wont always be easy, cross cultures and oceans, however we are willing and determined and we believe that together we can do it. He is young with a mature heart and I’m mature with a young heart, I feel this is complimentary enough to navigate the map of life…Next chapter we face is the VISA journey to Australia. I can not wait to show him my part of the world as he has shown me his. Life is funny, as soon as you think you know, you can be assured you know nothing…
Coming home for me is a feeling, not a place. I have many places in the world that are home for me and always, always they are places that invoke a feeling. Home is a feeling… Home is love… Feeling settled in Love, grounded and connected in love… this is a first for me… Feeling present. Coming home… 🙂