Its a funny thing being in a place for an extended period of time, where English is not the first language. I’ve started to realise how much I rely on the input of others in my life. For confirmation, for validation and interaction in many forms. It has really made me see how much I seek outside of myself, for re-assurance and comfort. It is the musings I’m often contemplating that I can not share, because the language barrier here is a challenge. Despite many Nepali people learning English at school and quite well I will add, its the thinking processes that are quite different. Considering the difference between Sanskrit languages and Latin I am very impressed with the level of which they have learnt. I am observing the place I have found myself. The more I try to learn the language and culture, the more of an outsider I feel, the more alone I feel, I suppose it is to be expected and the mere idea that I could expect, to ever truly blend in, is somewhat childish and naive.
Before the tourists left, there was more opportunity to meet people from many walks of life, although now it seems, I can not escape myself through interacting with others… grrrr. New lesson for Kate.
A friend said to me today “Its your expectation that has caused that suffering/disappointment”. So everyday I’m here I am having to make that my mantra. “NO Expectations”, not easy to do… I have been teaching this idea for a long time and read many amazing philosophical texts from OSHO to Kahil Gibran to Wayne Dyer, all have preached and explained in experiential ways the importance of dropping expectation. It seems I am now putting theory into practice.
So this morning I woke up disappointed, the symptom of having had an expectation on another human being… silly me…. This has occurred many times in my life and usually my methods for processing such disappointment or a lesson that things are out of my control is the; opt for the catch up with a friend to vent, share and process, often leaving me more vexed and drained.
This time I am 1000’s of miles away and left to fend for myself and face my thoughts and over active mind alone….hmmmm.
Took a walk to Fewa Lake and enjoyed the beautiful serenity, (nature is always my second port of call if I can’t find a friend), then I enjoyed breakfast and focused on the People Helping People Mission and chatted to a volunteer about our Projects, this was quite useful in moving me out of victim space and recognising that I’m here to contribute to something far greater than trivial things.
I headed back to my flat and after a cool shower and some yoga stretches, I moved into childs pose and felt the emotion well up… It was like the physical body moved into childs pose and it just instantly opened up my hurt inner child and I started to cry. It felt quite surreal like it was not even me, but I allowed it anyway and decided to love myself a little more. So I sat naked with my sarong around me, fan on, in the corner of my room with a heart chakra meditation. WOW….. Instant release and the guidance came flooding in… Let it go, your body is the only temple you need, and the biggest words of wisdom were: “when you feel constriction, when you feel that your closing, withdrawing, that is the time to open more, give more, be more….. its where the growth happens…. Its the end of a cycle and rebirth of a new one”. Transformation can only happen after destruction of the old.
Funny enough after that, my day changed, I have been so busy today, writing a proposal for our rebuilding project, emailing key people who can assist us with the project, writing my blog, booking a short holiday, communication on all other levels got action. Suddenly Im feeling more me again, refocused, realigned and motivated to move forward.
Sometimes the most challenging environments ask you to go deeper to find the strength within yourself… Today I feel like I found a map to move me out of my ego and self destruction.
Nepal is a land of contradictions and contrasts, it is a place that could destroy you and at the same time open your heart in massive proportions. After 4 months it still fascinates me, the people, the culture, the way of being, the cows wandering the streets ( I think this will always make me giggle). The way people have no personal space and no matter where you go there are people watching you (this I still find challenging), the idea that public affection is kept behind closed doors, (for someone like me this is a tricky one).
Its like there is a harmony and peace within the chaos and hardship. Its a lesson I need to learn. A contrast of ideas so far removed from my world, yet for some reason I am feeling like it is providing me with the balance I need to take action in my life and follow my heart. Goddess Kali, yes you are still working with me I can feel it.