Just when you think you know where your going, Kali will flip it…. always bringing you back in line with your Heart, if you allow yourself to feel her power and screams. She is the one that will always rip your head off your shoulders, bringing you crashing back down into your heart.
The past few weeks have been a tumultuous toing and froing of emotions and conflict between my heart and head. All the while being aware of the energies and needs of the Nepali people and the whole reason I ended up staying here post earthquake.
After the earthquake, I felt so clear about helping people the energies that came flooding in at that time in April to support my vision was overwhelming and amazing… To be honest I think that somewhere along the way, the energy went to my head. The idea of creating an NGO and a structured organisation to continue with Aid became my focus. This took me away from the needs right here and now… All the while this small voice was saying what are you doing? Are you sure this is what is required….I refused to listen being swept up in the magnitude of it all…Sometimes when we get clarity the mind gets so excited that it shifts into doing and knowing, it takes control again and it thinks, it knows exactly what is needed… As soon as this happens your being lead by your ego again… Living form the heart requires surrender, it requires not knowing, it requires allowing yourself to be guided gently without urgency and the need to conquer and achieve, but to be present each day, taking action and responding to the call of the energies that present themselves… This is how I teach every class that I teach…. It never fails … As soon as I think I know what to expect, Ive failed or am disappointed, stepping into ego… How can I be present to the hearts of the class if I’m not completely open?
Some will argue that thinking long term is necessary and I agree it is… But is it my journey? That is the question? Everything I left behind in Australia was structured and bound in policies and procedures and governance. To be part of creating that here in Nepal in a country that already has so many NGOs and do gooders, I just couldn’t stomach it. Literally purging after carrying around this feeling of doubt and conflict for a couple of months, my heart was aware I was veering off the path I’d so vulnerably embarked upon, just months ago. Im not saying they don’t have an important place here and they are doing some amazing work…I’m just referring to my own journey and what is aligned with my heart, Im much more organic and creative, its clear to me that it is not my path….For some people I am sure I am nothing but frustration, I know for my Ex husband this was definately the case, even my mother at times, Im sure has wanted to tear her hair out with how I choose to live. However for me it is the best way to keep harmony and peace within myself. If I follow others ideals and expectations I always end up burnt out and depressed, I have learnt this much.
Kali has other plans for me I am sure of it. As soon as I think I know where I am going, she rips my head off leaving me with nowhere else to go… It always happens the same way when Im sick of the conflict between my heart and head, I ask for some guidance and there she is, instantly, swiftly slicing my head off so the path is clear, the blood flows again from my heart and the path is cleared of debris. Energy goes where energy flows.
Creativity is the only way for me, when my creativity is stifled, I am stifled and sink quickly into overwhelm and the abyss. The only way to maintain energy flow is to embrace change, trust where your heart leads, to flow like water, like the river Kali Gandaki, constantly flowing and cleansing away the debris. Sometimes scary and destructive, but always creating a new pathway through the mountains. Its time to listen……